Energy vampires are real.

But they don’t always come with fangs and shadows.

Sometimes, they wear the face of someone who once tucked you into bed.

If you grew up with a caregiver who offloaded their emotional chaos onto you—

who made their stress your responsibility,

their moods your problem,

their survival your burden—

then somewhere along the way,

you may have learned that love means rescuing.

You learned that connection is earned through sacrifice.

That being loved means being needed.

And so, without knowing,

you became the fixer.

The one who holds it all together.

For your partner.

Your boss.

Your friends.

You carry what's not yours, because once, that was the only way you were allowed to stay close.

But just because that’s how you were wired for love

doesn’t mean it’s true love.

Just because you’ve practiced carrying others doesn’t mean you must keep doing it.

That isn't your soul’s work.

That’s a survival pattern—

and it’s time to let it go.

You are not here to be a dumping ground for unresolved pain.

You are not a container for chaos that was never yours.

You are sovereign.

You are allowed to return what’s not yours

and keep only what honors your heart.

Because real love doesn’t drain.

It doesn’t deplete.

It doesn’t demand your wholeness as payment.

It holds space.

It honors boundaries.

It breathes.

So ask yourself gently:

"Is this mine to carry?"

And if the answer is no—

put it down.

Walk lighter.

Come home to yourself. 

Children who grow up in loving and supportive environments typically find it easy to leave their parents' home. Conversely, those who experienced mistreatment during childhood often struggle to cut ties. This paradox arises because unresolved childhood issues often lead us to recreate similar situations in adulthood in a futile attempt to change the past.

This difficulty has deep historical roots, influenced by various cultures and religious beliefs around the globe that emphasize absolute respect for parents and ancestors, regardless of their faults. We are expected to forgive them simply because they gave us life. I have observed this pattern for over 15 years in constellations workshops with me and other participants, where there is a tendency to rush into respect and forgiveness for abusive parents or family members. As a result, the client's suffering is often dismissed, just as it was in their family of origin.

When asked whether certification in family constellation is necessary, I strongly affirm that it is. Moreover, I recommend working only with certified facilitators. I'm not referring to a brief four-hour class, but to rigorous training over several months with teachers directly or indirectly connected to Bert Hellinger. Ideally, these teachers should either have been trained by Bert Hellinger himself or by one of his certified students or have attended numerous workshops conducted by him. The same applies to Sophie Hellinger, who currently offers workshops and training sessions.

In the largely unregulated field of systemic therapies, certification is essential to bring credibility and professionalism. Facilitators who pursue certification demonstrate their commitment by investing substantial time and resources into proper training. This shows a genuine dedication and serious intention to facilitate effectively, as opposed to those who simply read Bert Hellinger’s books and self-proclaim as facilitators. Learning from a teacher requires humility and seriousness, and it reassures clients that the facilitator has received adequate training.

Personally, I began learning systemic & family constellations in 2009, a time when certifications were not available. Nevertheless, I chose to get certified over a decade later to underscore my seriousness and commitment to the field. Clients should always inquire whether their facilitator is certified, as it makes a significant difference. Those without certification often argue that it is unnecessary, but systemic constellations involve numerous theories that must be learned and applied correctly. A teacher presents these theories in a structured manner, ensuring that students understand and apply the systemic laws properly.

In summary, the certification process is vital to prevent charlatans from entering the field and to maintain high standards of practice.

The 3 orders of love as determined by Bert Hellinger

1. Precedence: All have their place in the system according to their order of arrival in the system. Everyone has their place and in their place; that is the order.

2. belonging: Everyone has a right to belong equally in the family regardless of what their life circumstances. Everyone's fate are to be respected as part of their own life journey.  

3. balance between giving & receiving: First take, then give. If I take, I can give. If I don't take, I'm exhausted.  Parents give, children receive. Between partners a balance between giving and receiving is also crucial. If one is always on the end of receiving the relationship might end. For love to flow freely in relationships this balance is to be maintain.

Ancestors lives in us, especially if we reject them they end up haunting us and modifying our behavior without our knowledge; that is the entanglement as seen in so many cases during family constellations.

If we ask them for their blessings without judging them, then they accompany us with their tribal strength.

In psychology and in family and systemic constellations, the entangled individual feels possessed by emotions or behaviors that he does not understand, as if it does not belong to him.

The individual carries the destiny and history of an ancestor who asks to be reintegrated into the field and the family memory.

It is often an excluded or forgotten person:

•  deceased child whose mourning could not be done, 

• mothers who died in childbirth, 

• fathers who died on the battlefields, 

• abortions not assumed, 

• handicapped or abandoned children,

•  or any person who has been excluded from the family memory because of their behavior or their story considered shocking to the morality of the family

  1. secret or illegitimate love, 

  2. shame, 

  3. murder, 

  4. abandonment, 

  5. infanticide…

They may be very distant ancestors or a known relative, all of whom their memory were lost... They re-manifest themselves to the family, this time, to be welcomed with kindness.

The entangled person in the family is at the service of the excluded.

 “To get out of an entanglement, you need awareness  and smile at everyone with the same enthusiasm, without judgement.".  Sophie Hellinger

Finally, anyone who influences the destiny of our family in a beneficial or harmful way (Inheritance, donation, denunciation, murder, carnage, genocide …) also falls within our family system.

Systemic and family constellations are brief therapies organized in groups (most often) in the form of role plays. The original German term 'Familieaufstellung' means 'placing the family in space'; the idea being is to metaphorically 'place' one's family in space in order to visualize it, and then put it back into its order. During work sessions of one to two hours, the client chooses a member among the participants, the “focus”, to represent him/her and others who will each play the members of the family (living or dead). Then representatives will be placed in the space by "feeling". The client will then have formed a "constellation" which will be represented from the outside as on a cinema screen. The client can also choose to integrate the constellation at some point by playing its own role in order to live it from the inside, identify any dissonance and integrate the resolution.

Quickly, the representatives will feel emotions (pain, oppression, etc.) belonging to the ancestors whose role they have taken on. By gradually restoring order in the family history and helped by the facilitator, the client will then be able to identify the origin of the discomfort, conflicts and allow healing from counter-productive loyalties to be integrated. Most importantly, this process is likely to stop any generational process and save children from being the recipients of any passed on traumas.

No children are autonomous in relation their parents. No human being is autonomous in relation to their ancestors, to life and death. Freedom is conditioned by recognizing that we belong to a larger system. The method of the constellations offers the possibility to become aware of this reality in our lives.

It is a communication from unconscious to unconscious

Following the model of psychogenealogy, family constellations consist of a communication from unconscious to unconscious. The unconscious being played out during the constellation is the family collective unconscious. It is from this transmission that the structural elements of genealogy or possible trauma emerges. Moving the representatives around until they obtain a representation of their family that suits them and in accordance to the systemic laws as defined by Bert Hellinger. The client becomes aware of the family history and this awareness most often brings about healing.

Photos: Carl Gustav Jung 1st Mandala

Systemic constellations, also known as family constellations, is a therapeutic method designed to tackle and resolve issues arising from family dynamics and relationships. This approach operates on the principle that unresolved problems and traumas from previous generations can be inherited, causing emotional and psychological difficulties in descendants. It is utilized to address various concerns such as anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and chronic health conditions.

The concept of systemic constellations was developed by Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist, in the 1990s. Hellinger's work was influenced by diverse therapeutic disciplines, including family therapy, psychoanalysis, and indigenous healing practices. He posited that unresolved generational traumas could create energetic blockages within family systems, leading to emotional and psychological challenges.

In a systemic constellations session, a group of individuals gathers to represent members of the client's family system. The session facilitator instructs the client to select representatives for various family members, such as parents, siblings, and grandparents. These representatives are then positioned in relation to each other, reflecting their feelings and perceptions of the family system. The facilitator guides them through an exploration and resolution process, aiming to identify and release energetic blockages that contribute to emotional and psychological distress.

Systemic constellations can be a transformative tool. By addressing generational issues and traumas, clients can achieve a deeper understanding of their family dynamics and relationships. This process helps them to release negative patterns and behaviors that may hinder their personal and professional lives.

However, it is crucial to work with a skilled and experienced facilitator, as the process can be intense and emotionally charged. A safe and supportive environment is essential for effective exploration and resolution of issues. Approaching systemic constellations with an open mind and a willingness to let go of negative patterns and behaviors is also important.

In summary, systemic constellations is a therapeutic approach that effectively addresses a broad range of issues related to family dynamics and relationships.

Bert Hellinger, the German psychotherapist who developed the Family Constellation method, believed that the bond between victim and perpetrator is one of the strongest bonds in human experience. According to him, resistance to change is a sign of loyalty to the old and hinders growth. Only when something shakes us to the core can we move forward and break free from rigidity. Hellinger's Family Constellation method is a systemic psychotherapeutic modality that explores the psychological theory of the family unconscious. The method is based on the idea that there is a sense of connectedness between members of a group, which is felt telepathically and is called the morphogenic field. Hellinger discovered the basic orders of life, which he called "Orders of Love," and these form the basis of Family Constellation. His work evolved beyond Family Constellations and Systemic Constellations into what he called Movements of the Spirit-Mind. Hellinger's innovative approach has been a leading healing modality in Europe for the past 20 years, and it helps people move from their conscious understanding of problems and events into the unconscious to clarify the true meaning of why things occurred. 

“Everything concerning previous intimate relationships should be kept secret from later partners and shouldn’t be talked about. It’s a form of respect for the partner and for one’s self. For example, it has a very bad effect if a man asks his wife how it was in her earlier relationship, or if a woman asks that of her husband. That can’t be talked about, because it destroys something and is a betrayal of the former partner. It also hinders the new relationship by destroying trust. I believe this is a very important point.

Parents also must never tell their children about any marital problems. Such a thing is terrible for children. When children know intimacies like this, they punish themselves for knowing. When I see such children later on in therapy and they start talking about what their mother or their father said about the other parent, I advise them to forget it. It’s possible to forget something like that in the sense of letting it go out of the soul and putting it in a place where it can remain a secret. Then the soul gets rid of the burden.”

(Exercpt from "Supporting Love by Bert Hellinger)

"My idea of the existence of the mind beyond the physical brain is what I call the extended mind. I would like to suggest that the mind is much more extensive than the brain and stretches out through fields that I call morphic fields. Morphic fields, like the known fields of physics such as gravitational fields, are non-material regions of influence extending in space and continuing in time. They are localized within and around the systems they organize. When any particular organized system ceases to exist, as when an atom splits, a snowflake melts, or an animal dies, its organizing field disappears from that place. But in another sense, morphic fields do not disappear: they are potential organizing patterns of influence, and can appear again physically in other times and places, wherever and whenever the physical conditions are appropriate. When they do so, they contain within themselves a memory of their previous physical existences. "

THE EXTENDED MIND By Rupert Sheldrake

Published in the July-August 2003 issue of The Quest